By Lauren Rubin, KPA CTP, CPDT-KA
I frequently take trips to San Diego to visit my best friend, her awesome husband, and their wonderful 8-year-old goldendoodle, Seeley. (You’ll occasionally see him on our social media because he’s a great dog to work with and is always happy to film a quick training video!) On my most recent trip, we walked Seeley down at the waterfront and my friend asked a question that prompted this post.
A little background: Seeley loves dogs and he is a hoot to watch at the dog park. On leash, he rapidly becomes frustrated that he cannot get close to dogs to play with them the way he would like (a familiar issue many pet parents struggle with), and begins to leap about like a mad rabbit in a trap. His mom, being a wonderful and smart dog owner, doesn’t want to reinforce this behavior, so she moves away from other dogs when this happens. She even tries to get ahead of it by pulling off the path, blocking Seeley’s line of sight with her body, and distracting him by asking for tricks he knows well. (An awesome solution!)
On this particular walk, she had pulled off the path to block Seeley from a small dog being walked on a long, loose leash. The individual walking this dog came off the path behind her and (with my friend’s back to him) proceeded to let his dog go around her to sniff Seeley while saying “can we make friends?” (Already too late, as his dog was basically under Seeley at this point.) My friend very politely wedged herself between both dogs and said “No, thank you.” The gentleman, continuing to let his dog try to get around her, said, “Oh. Is he not friendly?” To which my friend responded, “No, he’s not.”
Once we disentangled ourselves from this uncomfortable situation, she turned to me and said “He is friendly, and I don’t want to portray him wrong. Is it bad to say he’s not?”
This is a great question. On the surface, the answer seems easy (“Yes, it’s fine! You need to do what you gotta do to get your dog out of weird situations.”), but it’s often trickier than that. I always feel a small bit of guilt for my dog – she is very friendly, but not in all situations. Particularly since I own a notorious breed, I also feel guilt for portraying the breed poorly as a whole. While we are not responsible for proving to people that our breed is wonderful, it can be hard not to carry that burden if you own a such a dog, regardless of their own behavior.
Also, in what context is this question asking? I often get asked “Is your dog friendly?” because people want to meet her. The answer in this case is, “yes, she’s super friendly, but you cannot say hi because we are training.” However, by the time I’ve said “yes,” people are often already in my dog’s face getting jumped on and licked excessively, thus reinforcing her poor greeting habits.
And that’s the struggle with a social dog. If your dog is fearful of people or other dogs, “is your dog friendly?” rapidly becomes a trigger phrase. It’s hard and stressful to navigate the world with a dog who is displaying spooky behaviors even without having someone call you on it and make you explain.
In the case with Seeley, who is social, the answer is “yes, my dog is friendly, but he does not like to greet dogs on leash.” Again, once you’ve said “yes,” it’s too late – most well-meaning pet lovers barely wait for that first syllable before moving forward.
After discussing this issue with other trainer friends, clients, and working with my own dog, I’ve come to two conclusions.
1) It is totally fine to say your dog is not friendly, even if they are, if you want to avoid an uncomfortable situation. There’s no shame in that, you shouldn’t feel guilty, and you don’t owe anyone anything. You are sparing yourself/your dog an unfortunate issue that isn’t worth dealing with!
2) If you do feel guilty, or feel obligated to carry the burden of proving your dog’s breed is friendly, or don’t want the social awkwardness of dealing with strangers who suddenly believe you have a dangerous dog, you can do say my second favorite lie. “Sorry, she has ringworm.” That’ll stop them in their tracks pretty darn fast! It’s also easy to yell when someone’s off leash dog is running toward you (“Don’t worry, he’s friendly!” “Well my dog has ringworm!”). For whatever reason, that encourages folks to get their dog faster than yelling “mine isn’t!”
Lastly, I leave you with this thought – how do YOU ask to greet dogs? Rather than trapping pet parents in uncomfortable social situations, I recommend this: “May I pet your dog?” and be prepared for a no. Alternatively, simply smile at owner and dog as you go past and go on your merry way.